Rule # 12- Invasion of the Little Orange Men

Rule #12- D-Bags self-tan

Who needs to be tan when you can be orange. If only there was a way to tan that doesn’t involve time outdoors or that massive ball of miasma in the sky. Be it a tanning bed or a bottle, a Douchebag would much pay for a tan, than get it for free by spending time outside. There is something about that unnatural shade of carrot that makes people love you. Sure you are one shade off becoming The Great Pumpkin, but you think you look good, and remembering Rule #19, your opinion is all that matters.

Rule #394 - Voicemail messages

"Hi, you've reached Billy Bob's voicemail. I can't get to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I'll get right back to you. *BEEP*"

Isn't that boring? Rule # 394 is for the D-bag who wants to be different; sneaky. A good D-bag message tricks the caller into thinking you have really picked up, and when they get comfortable in their conversation, BAM! That's when you drop the ball that they are the stupid ones that are talking to a recording. Yeah, that'll teach them!

Sample: "Hello? Yeah, this is Billy Bob.....yeah.....oh, totally........ha ha Psych! It's actually a recording! I got you good, you loser. Ok, now I'm serious *beep*"

And, P.S. "Psych" is an integral part to the D-Bag vocabulary.

Rule # 921 - Engine Trouble

Rule # 921 is in special dedication to one of my best friends and brother-in-law, James (also a great contributor to this blog). It has to do with engine maintenance, kneeboarding and timing.

When you are captaining a boat, there are plenty of responsibilities, from making sure the person you are pulling is ok, to watching for traffic, to watching the women sun bathing in front of you. So, if you are looking for a great way for your inner d-bag to shine, wait until you are passing the female sunbathers, and encourage a technical malfunction in the engine, to ensure whatever trick could be done, or whatever impression the kneeboarder has with the ladies will be sunk, just like the rider is as you both come to a stop. It's great fun, especially since you can always outrun the person stuck in the water.

Rule # 153 and # 154 - D-Bag at the wheel!

Rule #153- D-Bags always tailgate. No this has nothing to do with corn hole and beer pong in the parking lot of the big game.

Sure the car in front of you is driving 150 mph through a school zone, but you judge car length using a Matchbox car. Who cares if you are the only two cars on a six lane highway, they call them bumpers for a reason. Maybe you have aspirations of becoming the next Tony Stuart. The fact of the matter is, should the driver in front of you brake check, you will be ready to park in his back seat.

Rule #154- D-Bags brake check.

Everyone knows the importance of safety in a car. A good set of brakes can save your life, or show the passengers in your car the extent of your Douchebaggery. D-Bags are the reason drive-thru coffee providers put lids on the cups. Who wouldn't find it hilarious to tap the brakes right as your friend is sipping a $12, 150 degree coffee. I'm sure he'll love wearing all over his shirt. Who doesn't want to look like they had Michael J Fox for a server at IHOP.

There is also the fact that any real D-Bag will look for any opportunity to cause a wreck on the road. Screw the person behind you. If I want to go from 60 to zero in a second and a half, in the middle of I-4, that's my prerogative.

Rule # 19 - Your opinion is all that matters

Rule # 19 is a fan favorite that has to do with using the Interwebs. The comments sections are your friend. Abuse Them.

Don't you just hate it when people post their opinions of things like music or songs or current events? Don't they know their stupid opinions don't matter? Their wrong, anyway. Yours is the only one that matters. The fact they dare insult you by posting something that isn't your opinion is an insult, so what is a d-bag to do? Retaliate of course!

Sure, paint balling is an option, but it's illegal, and being in jail would allow them to win. So, what else do you do? The answer is called 'trolling.' You insult them, of course. Their opinion is wrong, so tell them such, then tell them how stupid they are; how your opinion is all that matters and, while your at it, throw in an insult about the website you're currently reading and insult their mothers.

That'll teach 'em! Suck it, Internet writers!

Rule #895 - The Feminine Dbag

You have already mastered the art of accompanying your lady friends and making their night out miserable. You are proficient at warding off potential suiters, being a complete party pooper or having “Permanent PMS Syndrome” or PPS. Don't stop there, you can do better than that! Believe in yourself. Purchase a bow and arrow and instead of making mean, sly comments to males you want to drive away from your friends, just save yourself the energy and pick them off one by one with the bow and arrow like Legolas in the movie “Lord of the Rings”. In addition to that, don't just be negative and force your friends to go home with you, get them kicked out of the bar. Blindside the Bouncer and land a hay making punch to his face rendering him unconscious. When he wakes up minutes later, point at your group of friends. That way you all get to go home and be miserable together.

Rule #123 - Weight lifting

As a Dbag, you probably believe the bigger you are the better? Don't waste your time in the gym 9 days a week, 29 hours a day. Simply purchase size enhancing, genitalia shrinking, steroids similar to the ones used by the Major League Baseball (MLB) Dbags in the USA; Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, A-Rod and Mark McGuire to name just a few. Make a rapid transition from a skinny Dbag into a “Roid” enhanced, top grade” Dbag. Ideally you should become so big, that a gust of wind would be able to topple you over and render you helplessly unable to stand up without the assistance of heavy machinery.

Rule #259 The Popped collar.

Many Dbags will wear a brightly colored polo golf shirt and flagrantly raise collars in an attempt to display their Douchebaggery. While this will mercifully let the world know what you are and what you stand for, it is not going to make you stand out in your profession. Why wear one collared shirt when you can wear 2 or 3, or even 7? Wear multiple popped collars and have them flare out from your neck like a peacock's feathers. Don't just make the colors soft pinks or yellows; make them, fluorescent-tly flagrant colors like: Lime green, Chartreuse, electric lime or Tangerine yellow. Stand out from the pack, be unique.

Rule # 672- Always Get the Last Word

Rule # 672- A true D-bag will always have the last word. A fight, in passing, playing Scrabble, it doesn't matter, D-Bags live to make their ignorant thoughts known.

D-Bags live for the opportunity to pass someone in their car and yell something. As always it is thought provoking and classy like, "Nice ass" or "I'd bang that." Some of the more educated, and I use the term loosely, D-Bags use this techique at work. It's all about timing with the elevator. Right as the doors close, you say something snide like, "Nice shirt."

Rule # 32 Always T-Bag

Rule # 32 is extremely important, especially if you are of the video game type. This rule is all about T-Bagging. It's enough said.

When you kill someone, you must stand, triumphant over there body and perform a T-Bag. Doing so will add more than just a kill to your standing, it will let the dead person know that when they return the field of game, they will return with a little piece of you, too. They will remember the humiliation suffered, and not likely come after you again.

Rule # 419 Boating Shennanigans

Rule # 419 has to deal with the most wonderful activity of pleasure boating. We can't let that stand without a dose of D-Baggery. So, here's what you do to ensure you get your way.

When you see someone calmly anchored, do not casually idle up to them, causing little wake. The boat goes fast for a reason, do it! Make sure you properly trim the engine to the proper height to ensure the maximum amount of carnage your power boat can muster up. Laugh as the beers, the food and the good times go sliding off into the water, and enjoy the knowledge that you, too are a d-bag!

Rule #999 The Door treatment

When your walking into a store and someone is behind you, just walk in and slam the door. Dont EVER stay there and open it for them. That would be too nice and way to easy for them.

Rule # 286 Turn left from the right lane

Rule # 286 is one of my favorites, but aren't they all? When you want to turn left, you turn left. Who cares about who else is driving. They can get out of your way!

When on a multiple-lane road, start off in the right and lane, DO NOT use your turn indicator. Simply, turn at the appropriate time. Don't worry about other cars in the left hand lane, and do not use the turn lane provided. Turn lanes are for normal people. We are exceptional people, and therefor don't need one.

Just another friendly tip from the 1kwtbdb crew. (Yep, just made that up)

Rule # 1 Take it from a Pro

Act Like Jim!