Rule #3- Shirts? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Shirts

Shirts are for losers, and you are a winner.

Whether walking down the street, or in the middle of Sunday Mass, a douche bag should never have a shirt on. So God gave you a chest and stomach, but roids gave you pecs and abs. You have worked hard injecting steroids and pumping iron, why wouldn’t you want to show it off? Shirts? Shirts?! Shirts cover up bodies belonging to people who have something better to do with their time than go to the gym. Instead of spending half of the day working out, these “shirt people” have jobs, families, read books, or get an education. You didn’t sacrifice your friends, life, and testicles to cover up that chiseled physique with a thin piece of cloth. Sure you are nowhere near a pool, boat, beach, bath tub, doctor’s office, or any other place where being shirtless is appropriate, but who cares. Shirts are for wimps, who should they mention your shirtless nature, might have their arms ripped off by your roid rage.

Rule #2 They Call Them Vanity Plates for a Reason

Now I am not referring to the license plates for your alma mater, choose life, or save the pickle. No, these are the ones where a Douchebag can express his or her self via the text on the car’s plate. As if the way you drive, the type of car you drive, or the “effects” you have added to your hooptie are not enough of an indication, you feel the need to personalize your car’s license plate.

So you’ve now decided to customize it. What life altering words of wisdom should you use. The words you chose must tell people about the type of Douche you are.

ASSETS- Perfect, you are the douchebag people shouldn’t trust with their money, but do.

TRKASHO (Trick Ass Ho)- What self-respecting woman wouldn’t want this on the back of her car.

TOUCHY- On the back of a POS. You are just asking for it.

BIGMAN- Really? Doubtful.

Here’s the deal. All Douchebags are allowed to have vanity plates, except they all have to be made to say the same thing…IMA DBG.

Rule #7- D-Bags with a Day Job

Douchebag in the workplace

Yes that’s right. Even at work you are not safe from douches. Ever wonder who used all of the paperclips without replacing them? Why is the water bottle on the cooler empty? Who took your stapler? These are only small examples. The best way to display how big of a D-bag you are involves talking trash about others. Now gossip in general is a great technique, but there is more to it.

Douchebags don’t understand sound waves and cubicle wall density. First you have to find something good to say about someone else. Don’t have anything? Make it up. No one cares, as long as it’s juicy, mildly believable and insulting. Then stand in a cube next to the person and start talking to another coworker. Spread that rumor like it’s cream cheese on a Panera asiago cheese bagel. Since you spent all of your time in high school physics flirting with the teacher and not paying attention to the fact sound carries, and everyone on the floor can hear you.

This can be used on everyone in the workplace, coworkers, friends, the girl you sit next to and wish you didn’t, that one guy who looks clean but smells like he never showers.

WARNING: This rule can lead to termination. Please don’t be a douchebag around your boss…or do. You’re a douche and I don’t care if you get fired. The company is better off without you.

Rule # 94 - The Bob Barker

Anyone who has ever been sick, or stuck at home on a weekday is familiar with The Price is Right. Well, Rule # 94 is named after the host of the famous show that got it all started.

The rule is pretty pretty simple. When you see someone bid a very reasonable number, make sure you take their thunder away immediately with a bid of $1 greater. So, if they bid $200, you bid $201, and laugh at their stupidity as you win that microwave.

The rule also applies if you are the first to bid, and you bid $1. Such a bid is a smack in the face to the great Barker, and will allow your D-bag status to shine.

Rule # 22 - Jet Ski's

How to successfully be a d-bag on the water in one easy step:

Step 1: Get a Jet Ski.

That's it! Easy, right? You're welcome.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone that owns a jet ski is a d-bag...ok, no, that's exactly what I'm saying. There is no easier way to be a aqua-D-bag, than getting a jet ski. This fun, recreational vehicle miraculously takes away all common sense, common courtesy and intelligence and replaces it with an idea of entitlement that is unparalleled. Why do you think big yachts have rooms for Jet Ski's? So they can get that empowered feeling they lack from their mega-yachts.

So, get on a Jet Ski today, and watch the looks of envy and anger as your inner D-bag comes flowing out. You'll be glad you did.

Rule #17- Make people wait

You need to make it a point to let people know how much more important your time is than theirs. To really bring out the D-bag, you need to do it in a passive way. You can’t just tell people you are superior. You must show them by wasting their time. Here are a few good tips:

Red lights: In your car, unless you are homeless, the only thing you should be doing is driving. While sitting at a red light, take this as the perfect chance to check your makeup, send an email, take a nap, or even work on your novel. It’s only a few seconds, but you shouldn’t have to worry about the light changing to green. When it does you can just keep on keepin’ on until you are ready to drive away… about the time the light turns yellow.

In line at the restaurant: Aside from a few select items (the God awful McRib), McDonalds’ menu hasn’t changed much in the 40 years. It’s the lunch hour and you have been waiting for 20 minutes to place your order. How is it once you get to the front of the line you still have to look at the menu and give the old “Um...ahhh…what about…I’ll take a Whopper.” Great. Not only have you wasted everyone’s time, you have ordered something from another place.

The trick to mastering this rule is to make people furious without acknowledging their emotions, or existence.

Rule #11 - Movie Theater D-Bag

Of all the ways to be a D-Bag, there is no better setting than a movie theater. What better way to let your d-bag fly in such a target rich environment? Everyone in the theater, except for the d-bag, is looking to quietly enjoy a movie. That's easy to ruin, right?

Here are some ways to ensure you will be the center of attention, in that true d-bag style.

First off, come in late and stand on the stairs, looking for a spot. You get bonus points if you put your hand to your forehead. When you find a spot, make sure you yell to your friend that you found something, so you can walk in front of everyone who was there on time. When you sit down, pull out your snacks, and make plenty of noise with the bag. Then, impress everyone around you by spouting out how crappy this movie will be.

The final touch is an oldie, but a goodie. Yeah, you guessed it, I'm talking about answering the phone you forgot to put on vibrate. It's a sure fire way to make all kinds of friends and show off your inner d-bag.

So, get out there and ruin that theater experience!

Rule # 4- Whistling

Rule #4- Inappropriate whistling

The good Lord has given us a great many talents, but for some reason, he gave you the ability to screech louder than the union break whistle. How is this talent best used? Why standing two feet behind someone and letting one fly like a rape whistle. What about the “innocent bystanders,” screw them. Why should you care. You’re having a good time. Now under the right circumstances, whistling is not a Douchebag thing to do. At a sporting event, when separated at the beach, lost at sea are all acceptable times. My father even used to whistle real loud to communicate with his father while picking blackberries in the mountains where he grew up. For this to be a Douche thing to do, it must be done at a very inappropriate moment. If you were say, at a Broadway show, and sitting behind me, and it was the ending round of applause, and you had total disregard for me and the lady next to me, you might want to let the inner Douche banshee out and deafen us. Not once. Not twice. But three times. Thanks for that.