Rule #7- D-Bags with a Day Job

Douchebag in the workplace

Yes that’s right. Even at work you are not safe from douches. Ever wonder who used all of the paperclips without replacing them? Why is the water bottle on the cooler empty? Who took your stapler? These are only small examples. The best way to display how big of a D-bag you are involves talking trash about others. Now gossip in general is a great technique, but there is more to it.

Douchebags don’t understand sound waves and cubicle wall density. First you have to find something good to say about someone else. Don’t have anything? Make it up. No one cares, as long as it’s juicy, mildly believable and insulting. Then stand in a cube next to the person and start talking to another coworker. Spread that rumor like it’s cream cheese on a Panera asiago cheese bagel. Since you spent all of your time in high school physics flirting with the teacher and not paying attention to the fact sound carries, and everyone on the floor can hear you.

This can be used on everyone in the workplace, coworkers, friends, the girl you sit next to and wish you didn’t, that one guy who looks clean but smells like he never showers.

WARNING: This rule can lead to termination. Please don’t be a douchebag around your boss…or do. You’re a douche and I don’t care if you get fired. The company is better off without you.